I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
