I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
