And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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