The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
