At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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