omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
