$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
where does the pee come out of this thing
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
