if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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