I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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