why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
