please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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