It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
