was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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