in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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