when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
