This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize