her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
