if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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