textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize