Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
