I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize
