tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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