Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
