Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
how drunk are you?
Several
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
