Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
