if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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