we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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