my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
