mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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