he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
There's always time for handjobs
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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