I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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