There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
