If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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