Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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