Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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