Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
