His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
