If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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