Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
