Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
