woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
