so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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