her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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