i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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