Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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