I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize