I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
