Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize