I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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