all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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