Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
