I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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