im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
