I didn't shave. On purpose
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
