I think I just saw someone hide a body.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
