She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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