is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
