This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
