if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
