i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
