Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
