hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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