just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
