Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
