sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
