Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
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