Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
