just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
