you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
