i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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