She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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