Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
