My hair reeks of homosexuality.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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