Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
