I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
