party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
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