I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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