Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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