when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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