i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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